I feel worthless and alone..

Never have I ever felt so worthless.

It's a feeling that I don't matter, what I do dosen't matter.

I find my worth through helping, and now it feels like I can't reach people.

No one needs me..I don't matter, what I do dosen't matter..

I've tried so hard for so long, tried to be that person who helped, tried to matter in a way, in a way that could make me feel special, wanted, worth something, for someone.

But it doesn't matter what I do, what people say, how much I please, I have to belive it myself, I have to feel it.

I need to feel that I'm worthy.

Because what I do does not matter when I sitt alone, feeling lonely.

At that moment the feeling I have when I have done something for someone, dosen't matter anymore. It doesn't make me happy, it doesn't make me less lonely.

I'm afraid that if I don't continue, keep going, doing what I do, I'll loose what little I have, that I cling to, to feel some connection, some worth..

That voice that tells me....I have to keep on trying, or I'll end up all alone.

It's a childhood trauma, I think..

It feels like I'm failing, like it doesn't matter what I do anymore. It will not give me the satisfaction of feeling some worth. It's worn out, I'm worn out, the effect is gone.. and I'm alone..

I'm afraid I'll be all alone.

I'm not clicking with people in a natural way, in a social way like most people, so I do what I can do, be a helper, a therapist, someone that people can come to.

Not everyone sees that about me, that social connection is difficult for me, they might think that because I work with people I have that skill. But I hide behind a mask most of the time, pretending to fix it, and when I'm in my role as a therapist I can connect to people through what I have to offer, to give, how I can help.

And then, when I'm sitting all alone, when I'm not occupied with work, or my children, I don't know what to do with myself.

I feel worthless and alone..

I'm starting to connect to that place inside me, to a part of me that I have dismissed, disowned, to my inner child who belives there is no one there for her, that she is alone and worthless, that believes she cannot rely on anyone but herself.

Who thinks she has to help, to be worth something.

But she has me, and I owe it to her to show up, to be there for her, to show her that she's worthy.

That the words she was told when she was young, they are not true. She can believe what, or who she wants to believe.

And together, I believe, we'll find our way through.

And I will keep on going,

-but the place I'm coming from will be different, and hopefully more authentic.

Love Shant Ananda